"His last time up, he wasn't a guy." - Atlanta Braves' announcer Don Sutton with an incomplete thought while calling a game, from a Braves baseball telecast on TBS Superstation
"Hi, Harry. I'm Big Don. You must be a bird." - Dr. Don talking to a cockatiel
"Not that there's anything wrong with that." - Jerry and George on a man being gay, from NBC's "Seinfeld"
"You know, Mike, she's not that bad." - my good friend Chad defending his ex-girlfriend
"She musta had somma that grape soda!" - my good friend Ian on why she was in the bathroom, from our homemade movie "Star Truck"
"What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?!"
- Dark Helmet questioning Col. Sandurz's mettle, from Mel Brooks's
"Spaceballs"
"Red hair! She has red hair! Do you know what that means?!" - Chad's brother Jeff on a woman's hair color and its consequences
"Here's the church, here's the steeple...open the door and there's all the hypocrites." - John Henson (thanks to Ian for this one)
"Today's quiz was brought to you by the letter 'F' and the number '0'." - anonymous (thanks to Jefé for this one)
"But I mean, you know, it could just be a sack with a buncha cashews in it." - Chad on if the word "nutsack" would make the yearbook (thanks to Lincoln for this one)
"And when you kill a man, you're a murderer.
Kill many, and you're a conqueror. Kill them all...ooh...Oh you're
a god."
- from the Megadeth song "Captive Honour"
"I'll get to real show in a few minutes. I'm waiting for the drugs to take effect." - Steve Martin, from his "A Wild and Crazy Guy" stand-up routine
"That's perfect time for... sh-ootin' pool in
the rec room!" - Chad as Capt. Swiatowicz on passing the time while at warp
speed,
from our home made movie "Star Truck"
Me-"Marcy and I have the same twisted sense of
humor." Joe-"I have no sense of humor. I'm just fuckin'
twisted."- my
coworker Joe and I discussing that Marcy
and I were the only ones shift the next day.
"I was walking him yesterday, and he just fell over." - my former coworker Tara on what happened to a nervous dog
"Now we're Romans, we're rich. We have gods for everything. Oh, except premature ejaculation, although I heard that's coming quickly!" - Mel Brooks on Roman wealth, from his movie "History of the World, Part I"
"Music like that make's you wonder just how fat Rush Limbaugh is." - me on an original piano piece by Chad
"Marty has a truck-load of about 2000 hogs he wants you to help him neuter this weekend." - Mr. Shirley trying to fool me
"Just give me a meat clever and a grinding wheel and I'll have it done by Monday." - my response to Mr. Shirley
"Don't you hate when your mom finds your stash and smokes it all and replaces it with oregano?" - my old friend Allen with a totally random comment
"They tell them that there's a wall around Oklahoma City to keep the Indians out and that to travel between cities, you take a cab to the edge of town, then catch the stagecoach." - Dr. Neher on sarcastic rednecks and gullible New Yorkers
"If you have to ask, you'll never understand." - Ben Sisko on why he took a blow for a temporary ally that had threatened his life, from Paramount's "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"
"Mike got rid of his pussymobile." - my friend Laura telling her dad that a friend (not me) got a new car
"'Heeelp! We can't swim!' 'Yeah, yeah, neither can I!'" - Beavis and Butthead on being "trapped" in the middle of a fountain in the mall, from MTV's "Beavis and Butthead"
"Take it outside. When its starts to stink, you know it's tomorrow." - Darlene telling DJ how to use a pizza to tell time, from ABC's "Roseanne"
"I don't think gays should be in the military 'cause they're fags." - my old friend Trevor on a big issue at the time
"You have to laugh once a day. Because a day without sunshine is like... night." - Steve Martin on his role as a comedian, from his stand-up routine "Let's Get Small"
"I find it very hard to take you seriously knowing that your pubic hair is taped inside my electrical box." - my friend Summer on why she can't respect a particular authortiy
"I'll get you a rubber later." - Coach Mack on what she would do after practice
"Strange how laughter looks like crying with no sound" - from the Queensrÿche song "Another Rainy Night (Without You)"
"I walk into an undergraduate class and say 'Good Morning' and they say 'Good Morning.' I walk into a graduate seminar and say 'Good Morning' and they turn to each other and say 'What do you think he means by that?'" - Prof. Wright on the difference between undergraduate and graduate students, from a lecture on George Gershwin
"The sword or the pen can be held, by the same hand." - from the Van Halen song "Ballot or the Bullet"
"One of the most important statements in modern science is 'I do not know.'" - Data on the reason for investigation, from Paramount's "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
"...and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred, and schizophrenia." - from George Orwell's "Politics and the English Language"
"That would be like saying 'I don't drive pink.'" - Chad noting a grammar mistake
"Florida State is the university of Florida." - my dad telling it like it is
"We are raised to honor all the wrong explorers and discoverers-- thieves planting flags, murderers carrying crosses." - Peter S. Beagle, from his forward to JRR Tolkien's The Two Towers
"Who do you trust when everyone's a crook?" - from the Queensrÿche song "Revolution Calling"
"Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted." - Red on responsibility, from Fox's "That Seventies Show"
"Damn baby, you so fine I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field o' y'all!" - one of Will's pickup lines, from NBC's "The Fresh Prince of Belair"
"Kinky worm sex, post-mortem." - my (self admittedly) deranged TA Steve demonstrating Nematode reproduction with preserved specimens
"Jefé, get your holy water, we're going to fix my car." - my friend Justin on unorthodox auto repair (thanks to Jefé for this one)
"You've heard of dueling pistols, or dueling guitars. But have you ever heard of... dueling penises?" - Prof. Mariscal, from a lecture on Platyhelmethes
"You have to accept that sometimes you're the pigeon and sometimes you're the statue." - former Washington Wizards head coach Bernie Bickerstaff on good days and bad
"Who'd believe with the way things are here we'd be going anywhere telling people how to live?" -from the Megadeth song "Youthanasia"
"It's the same as part A, but with an extra monkey." - me explaining a physics problem
"If you gotta believe in something, you gotta believe in yourself." - from the Neurotica song "If"
"We must not assume that someone whose feelings are modulated and controlled is not a passionate person." - M. Scott Peck, from his book The Road Less Traveled
"If you want a country run by religion, move to Iran." - a bumper sticker I saw
"Your foot reminded me of cold milk." - Prof. Nara making an association only he understood
"I'm from the Council of Redundancy Council." - Alan Goldberg, from a motivational talk
"If people were always kind and obedient to those
who are cruel and unjust, the wicked people would have it all their own
way:
they would never feel afraid, and so they would
never alter, but would grow worse and worse." - Charlotte Brönte,
from her
novel Jane Eyre
"Only brush the teeth that you want to keep." - Prof. Nara on selective dental hygiene and difficulty speaking
"How many times do I have to say 'If you feel the need to vomit, don't.'?" - Maxine the tour guide/search engine grumbling as she cleans her ship, from Mainframe Entertainment's "Reboot"
"...they turned the Big Unit into a small component." - Brian Kenny talking about how the Colorado Rockies beat Randy Johnson(aka the Big Unit) and the Arizona Diamondbacks the day before, from ESPN's "Baseball Tonight"
"Unspeakable atrocities awaited Duke at Doak Campbell Stadium." - Reece Davis on what Florida State would do to Duke in football after suffering a heartbreaking loss to Miami the previous weak, from ESPN's "College Football 2Night Halftime Scoreboard Show"
"I was raised on dragon milk. We had a short-legged cow." - Prof. Anderson with a (very) bad joke
"Funny thing about lawyers: ninety-nine percent of them give the other one percent a bad name." - Ben Stein on his former profession, from Comedy Central's "Win Ben Stein's Money"
"The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." - Eden Phillpotts
"...and that is yours to keep until the almighty hand reaches out and takes it back to the IRS." - Ben Stein (as Moses) telling the contestant that the prize money is taxable, from a Bible-themed episode of Comedy Central's "Win Ben Stein's Money"
"Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony." - Morpheus commenting on a twist of fate, from the Wachowski Brothers' "The Matrix"
"Truly, if there is a god of fate, then he is fond of plot twists!" - Ghaleon reveling in the irony of his situation, from Working Designs' "Lunar: Etetrnal Blue"
"You can be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right part of the country." - Robert Frost
"You have to learn the rules so you know how to break them." - my 11th grade english teacher Mrs. Janoff on how to become a better writer
"Eschew neoglisms." - Mark Twain
"If it's in the newspaper, it must be true." - Kenny Mayne on the "infalibilty" of new sources, from ESPN's "Sports Center"
"I've spent all semester making you think I know what I'm talking about. You've all been duped, and that's a wonderful thing, because that's what makes society go." - Prof. Tschinkel indicating that his position of authority makes students believe what he teaches them
"If you get a hit off Yung Bong, that would be a bong hit." - Karl Ravech indicating that Yung Bong would get to start his first game in Major League Baseball the follwing day, from ESPN's "Baseball Tonight"
"Don't mistake lack of talent for genius." - from the back cover of the Type O Negative album "Bloody Kisses"
"College Lectures. Political Debates. It's easy to sleep here." - slogan on a billboard for Tallahassee tourism
"If Patrick Henry thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation." - Old Farmer's Almanac
"I'll take organized patterns of chaos over the chaotic organizations of man any day." - from the Tony Iommi song "Patterns" featuring Serj Tankian
“Unless one wants to live a stunningly boring life, one ought to be on good terms with one's darker side and one's darker energies.” -